Pepperoni or Mushroom?
by Michael Nguyen
Summary: Alas, Kuno must choose pepperoni or mushroom. But which?


To Have Pepperoni or Mushroom

To Have Pepperoni or Mushroom?

A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction by DJGEEK

Cast:

Kuno - babbling idiot, university student, and amateur samurai extraordinaire

Ranma - a jock, and martial artist

Kodachi - twisted sister of Kuno, and university's top gymnast

Narrator - The one who telleth the story

Narrator: The scene takes place in a university dorm room in Japan. Here, we encounter a young man of 18, who is spouting senseless words that he calls poetry. Soon, hunger will strike.

Kuno: Blah, blah, blah… blah, blah, blah…

(stomach groans)

Kuno: Heaven's forth, what is this I say? This beast of hunger in me is in need of sustenance!

(Kuno opens a small refrigerator, labeled as "Thy Royal Pantry", and finds out there's no food)

Kuno: Zounds! Thy pantry hath been cleared out by filthy demons of Hunger!

Narrator: Then Kuno ruffles in his pocket. He finds a coupon for Aimo's Pizza. Hey, it's a deal! Get a mushroom or pepperoni pizza for 560 yen! What a steal for a meal! Ahem…

Kuno: Zounds! It's a pizza deal! It's a mushroom or pepperoni pizza deal!

Narrator: Duh.

Kuno: (In thought) What shall I have, the mushroom pizza, or the pepperoni pizza? While the mushroom is as complex in my palate and the pepperoni a feast for the meat-lovers eyes, I must choose either one. This valuable pizza deal, brought by the blessings of the gods, tells me I must choose either one. Should I choose the exotic, cheesy mushroom pizza? Or should I choose the rich, meaty pepperoni pizza to satisfy my lusty hungers? Hmmm… what shall I choose…

(knock… knock… knock…)

Kuno: Gods damn you! Who is thy man that dares to interrupt mine thoughts!?

Ranma: A… yo… it's me… Ranma…

Narrator: Ranma enters Kuno's "lair".

Ranma: What's up man?

Kuno: Ye gods! For what purpose hast thou intrude in my abode and hath interrupted my thinking?

Ranma: …uh…

Kuno: Speak, knave!

Ranma: Uh… yeah… I left my bag yesterday from playing poker…

Kuno: Ah… that pathetic game you call poker… no doubt you hath cheated…

Ranma: Hey… I did not…

Kuno: (interrupts) Silence knave, your bag and provisions are sitting on my couch. Retrieve them.

Ranma: Uh… okay, whatever… geez…

Narrator: Ranma grabs his stuff and heads toward the door.

Kuno: Wait! Stand thy ground peasant!

Ranma: Geez! What is it this time!? I told you, I don't know…

Kuno: (interrupts) Silence cur! Wait 'til I ask the question!

Ranma: Whatever… shoot.

Kuno: Tell me Ranma, would thou choose the exotic mushroom pizza, or the lusty, meaty pepperoni pizza?

Ranma: Hmm… gee… I dunno… I guess the mushroom pizza. I mean, I love the cheese on the pizza, and the meat somehow don't taste that good with cheese. If I wanted meat, I'd get a beef pot… but also, I like mushrooms, they taste pretty good, and probably taste well with other…

Kuno: (interrupts, again) Thank you sir! Away! Away from my manor, away!

Ranma: Geez… fine… goodbye…

(Door slams shut)

Kuno: This peasant advises me to purchase the delicate mushroom pizza. Should I trust him? Perhaps he may be right, perhaps he may be wrong. But I must decide on one final conclusion… The mushroom, or the pepperoni? I have such cravings for that wondrous, foreign pastry, but yet I have to choose betwixt either of the toppings! Oh… inhuman beast of Hunger and Temptation! If thou were a **real** demon, I shall smite thee with my blade of Justice! I will…

(window smash)

Kuno: fix the window that twisted sister of mine hath broke…

Kodachi: Oh ho ho ho ho! My dear brother, I'm here to cease your incessant rantings. Nearly half the university can hear you, you know.

Kuno: Watch thy tongue sister, I'll not put up with your insults.

Kodachi: Whatever brother dear, seeing there's no problem, off I go!

(Kodachi tries to exit, but hears her brother whine)

Kuno: (whining) Alas! I cannot choose!

Kodachi: What's the matter brother?

Kuno: Leave me with my thoughts alone sister, it is something that needs to be done.

Kodachi: What is it brother?

Kuno: Kodachi, I request thy opinion, would thou purchase the mushroom pizza or the pepperoni?

Kodachi: Hmmm… let me see…

Kuno: Quickly answer! Time is of the essence!

Kodachi: Well, bleh, I hate mushrooms, they're so bland. I would choose the pepperoni. Why, it is a delicious meat. I like to sink my teeth on that juicy, tender, crispy, salty, meat like I like to sink my teeth on my beloved Ranma's flesh, hot, steaming… oh, I forgot! I must win the heart of my beloved Ranma! Farewell, brother dear! Oh Ranma, I'm coming for you!…

(Door slams shut. For a while, a scream of horror can be heard.)

Narrator: Ouch.

Kuno: No doubt that's my sister trying to seduce that cur…

Kuno: On with subject. My twisted sister advises the pepperoni against the mushroom. But I want something different. I wouldst eat the mushroom to satisfy my foreign desires, but there's something else, I crave the pepperoni! I must also satisfy my meaty desires! But which? Oh how temptation is wrought upon me… I CANNOT DECIDE! I MUST HAVE THEM BOTH!

Narrator: Hey idiot…

Kuno: moi?

Narrator: Yeah you…

Kuno: You send for me?

Narrator: Yep… let me say this, you are to choose one, **and only one**! Can you not get that?

Kuno: But I can't! I cannot choose! The pepperoni or the mushroom, I cannot decide! I can't stand this! Arrrgh!

(Kuno tears the …uh… coupon)

Narrator: Well, that was a waste of good pizza deals…

Kuno: (keeps on tearing) Arrrgh! Evil coupon! Thou art the Demon of Temptation and Hunger in disguise! Take that, and that, and that, and that! HA! I have smitten thee!

Narrator: Kuno looks around exhausted and confused. His stomach growls again.

Kuno: Now what's for lunch…

Er…

T H E E N D?


End file.
